Does Living In A Loveless Marriage Necessarily Mean That You Should Get A Divorce?
Being in a loveless marriage is a frustrating predicament, but it may not necessarily mean that a divorce is eminent. Solving the quandary of a loveless marriage requires self-reflection to assess the situation, courage to try to create a team effort for the best decision with your spouse, and gumption to face the reality that a divorce may be the best solution for the loveless marriage. But, before you jump right to the easy way out and decide on divorce, you should got through the process of making sure that you have logically thought through long-term implications of ending the loveless marriage. Being in a loveless marriage and deciding whether to get a divorce based on this one fact alone is a misuse of an opportunity. Its not like deciding whether to stay married due to an extramarital affair or other marriage problems like abuse or living in a sexless marriage, choosing the right divorce decision when it comes to a loveless marriage is a totally different situation. The opportunity is great to grow personally that is present when you're deciding about divorce because of being in a loveless marriage. Let's take a look at some of the items that are relevant to this situation regarding a loveless marriage and how you can approach this
time in your life from a mature standpoint and come to the right choice while growing at the same time. Loveless marriage item 1: Define love as you see it and assess whether or not your spouse agrees somewhat with you, at least in a complementary fashion. For a loveless marriage to be assessed properly, making sure your idea or definition of love is "clear" is a solid way to make sure that you know what you've lost. And, if your spouses idea of what love is differs from yours so much that you both can't somewhat reap the
benefits of love, you may need counseling to get to the root issue of your loveless marriage. Loveless marriage item 2: Make sure that you are in fact out of love before you go further with steps to divorce or try to work it out. Ask yourself, "Am I really out of love or am I giving up?". Keeping love alive can take work and strong communication with yourself and spouse. List the reasons why you think you're out of love and decide if those reasons prohibit a rekindling of love, assuming you were actually in love at some point. Being in a loveless marriage doesn't necessarily mean that it has to stay that way! Loveless marriage item 3: Decide if you were ever really in love as you define love. Your loveless marriage could have always been loveless, you may have just been to distracted to notice. You may have received other benefits from being with your spouse in the past that you aren't getting now and that could be why you're frustrated and living in a loveless marriage. Of course, if you were in fact in love with your spouse at one time in the past, you both might not have done what needs to be done to keep love alive. Before you do anything about your loveless marriage, make sure you understand how your idea of love may have changed over time, and really contemplate if you were really ever in love. Loveless marriage item 4: Assessing whether or not you need to be in love to stay married and if so, can your love be re-kindled? This item regarding a loveless marriage is a crucial point in your decision making process. Some people stay married even when they are in a loveless marriage because the benefits they get from being married psychologically outweigh the need for love. These benefits could many things and could stem from lack of self confidence, money, fear of loneliness, etc. If you're a person who needs love to stay married, make sure that you really think about how rejuvenate the love in your loveless marriage before you decide on divorce. If you're struggling regarding a decision about your loveless marriage, it means that it is worth fighting for. If you really do soul searching and talk with your spouse openly about the lack of zest in your marriage in the hopes of making it better, you may find that your spouse feels the same way that you do! Being a loveless marriage can be a drain on your day to day energy if you need love to stay happily married. If your marriage is worth it to you, be mature about the situation and do all you can to rekindle the love before you do anything else. If you do, you'll grow personally as
will your spouse regardless whether or not you get a divorce. Karl Augustine
"A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce"
An eBook recommended by marriage counselors and relationship coaches to their clients.
Deciding on Divorce
Loveless Marriage
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Does Living In A Loveless Marriage Necessarily Mean That You Should Get A Divorce?
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If there were no legal system, no lawyers and no courts, divorce would still be difficult and it would still take time to go through it. Divorce is at least a major crossroad in your life, maybe even a full-blown life crisis.
So, here you are, you and your spouse, going through your personal life changes, when the State comes along and says, "Excuse me! You can't go through this without us. Your divorce has to be conducted on our field and under our rules . . . and you can't even hope to understand our rules. Oh, by the way, this divorce system we're going to put you through has no tools for helping you solve problems or negotiate with your spouse. In fact, our system is based on conflict and it is specially designed to cause trouble and greatly increase your expense. Please pay your filing fees on the way in."
Our system of justice is known as an "adversary system." This is the nature of the beast. It began hundreds of years ago in the middle ages with "trial by combat," where people with a disagreement would fight it out and whoever survived was "right." Today, physical contact is no longer a recognized legal technique, but things are still set up as a fight. The parties are regarded as adversaries, enemies in combat. When a divorce is conducted in our legal system, the spouses and their attorneys are expected to struggle against one another and try to "win" the case, to "beat" the opposition.
The rules control the way your attorney works with you. Your attorney is required to be "adversarial," that is, aggressive and combative. The adversary system and the way lawyers work in it is a major cause of conflict, trouble and the high cost of divorce. You want to have as little as possible to do with the legal system. It is designed to work against you.
In spite of the way things seem, lawyers are not always villains and not always to blame for stirring up conflict. But even for lawyers who mean well, the tools they use and the system they work in will usually increase conflict. Law schools do not require courses in communication or negotiation. Rather, they stress manipulation of rules of law, aggressive and defensive strategy, how to take any side of any case and make the most of it, how to argue, and how to get the most financial advantage in every situation.
Professional standards of practice dictate how a lawyer will conduct your case. For example, professional ethics forbid your lawyer to communicate directly with your spouse--the adversary. It is expected, instead, that your spouse will be represented by an attorney and your lawyer can only communicate through your spouse's lawyer.
This means that your attorney can't "talk sense" to your spouse, or explain to your spouse how you see things, or even help you talk to each other. It means your attorney will always have a one-sided view of your case and can never achieve an understanding any greater than your own.
If you retain a lawyer, he will definitely take your case into the contested cycle of the legal system because that's the only thing he can do. He has to. There are no other formal tools a lawyer can use.
The primary tools the lawyer uses are pre-trial motions and discovery. An attorney can take you and your spouse into court to get temporary orders for support, custody, visitation or keeping the peace. An attorney can use formal discovery to get documents and information under oath.
So, if you and your spouse can work out your own temporary arrangements and share all information openly, you'll have no need for those incredibly expensive legal tools. You can keep your case out of lawyers' offices and out of court.
But, if either spouse retains an attorney, that attorney will invariably write formal letters, file legal papers, make motions, and do discovery. These actions will surely cause the other spouse to get an attorney, too. Now, instead of two people who don't communicate well, you have four people who do not communicate well. The case is now contested and the cost and conflict level will go way up. Attorneys tend to ask for more than they expect to get; it's considered "good" practice. Your spouse's lawyer will oppose your lawyer's exaggerated demands by offering less than they are willing to give and by attacking you and your case at the weakest points.
Now you're off to a good, hot start and soon you'll have a hotly contested case, lots of cost, and a couple of very upset spouses. Fees in contested cases can run from tens of thousands of dollars each all the way up to everything.
Summary: Except in high-conflict cases, the legal system has little to offer. The things an attorney can do for you are expensive, upsetting, and tend to increase conflict rather than reduce it.
If you don't want to (or have to) use the legal system, go around it--work out your arrangements outside the legal system and, if necessary, get limited assistance, in the form of information and advice, from attorneys who do not represent the spouses.
Take heart; I tell you exactly how to do this in my articles, Divorce Roadmap: The Route Around the Legal System and Divorce--How You Can Beat the System.
Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman
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