Divorce--How to Beat the System
Of course you want to get your Judgment--that's the goal of your legal divorce--but you don't want to go through the adversarial legal system to get it. You don't want to get all tangled up with lawyers and courts, because the system is designed to work against you. You don't go through the legal system, you go around it. You work outside the legal system to make arrangements and reach an agreement with your spouse. By doing things yourself, you have far more control and far better solutions. Working outside the legal system is the way you get a low-conflict, low-impact, higher quality divorce. To stay outside the legal system, do not retain an attorney. Neither spouse should retain one. The key word is "retain." We're not saying you should never get help from an attorney if you want it, just that you should not retain an attorney unless you have no other choice. If you follow the steps in my series of divorce articles, you may not need any help at all from an attorney. If you do, you will know how to keep it limited and under control. Retaining an attorney means turning over both your responsibility for your case and control of it. The attorney represents you. You sign a retainer agreement, then you pay $1,000 to $5,000 "on retainer" and your attorney has now taken over control of your case. This is what they mean when they say, "I'll take your case." And they do take your case--right into the high-conflict, low-solution legal system. They have to; it's the law. Because you don't want to go into a system that works so hard against you, you must not retain an attorney unless you have no other choice. You should retain an attorney if you are facing immediate threat of harm. You need an attorney if you:
- Believe your spouse poses a danger to you, your children or your property;
- Can't get support from your spouse and have no way to live;
- Think your spouse is transferring, selling or hiding assets.
In such cases, you should get a good attorney right away; otherwise, you only want an attorney for information, advice and maybe some drafting and paperwork.The attorney retainer is the poison apple--don't bite it. If you feel uneasy about not retaining an attorney, don't worry; in the rest of my articles, you are going to learn very effective things you can do for yourself and how to get help if you need it. There are three different kinds of cases that respond to self-help techniques:
- No agreement between the spouses is needed;
- An agreement will be fairly easy to work out;
- An agreement is needed but it may not be easy to work one out.
No agreement needed or spouse not involved. In some cases, an agreement between the spouses either isn't necessary or is not possible. In some cases, this is because there are no children, very little property, few debts to worry about, no need for support--in short, nothing to agree to. There are also cases where the Respondent simply will not participate and will not file a Response. Respondent is either long gone or simply doesn't care. This case will be relatively easy to complete.Agreement needed. Most couples, however, do need an agreement or should have one. If you have children, you should work out a good parenting plan in a written agreement. If you have income or property worth protecting, or lots of debts to be paid, or if you need to work out spousal or child support arrangements, you should definitely have a written agreement. If Respondent is involved and cares how the divorce is going to be arranged, you should have an agreement. Agreement will be easy to work out. If you think it will be no problem for you and your spouse to work out an agreement, the rest of this lesson is about the many advantages of a good agreement. Agreement may not come easily. This describes the situation for most couples going through divorce. If, like most people, you don't think you can deal with your spouse, don't worry--see my articles on how to deal with disagreement and negotiate a settlement. You will learn that the things you can do to help yourself are far more effective than anything a traditional attorney can do for you. You will learn about the obstacles to agreement and how to overcome them, how to negotiate effectively with your spouse, and where to get help if you have trouble with the negotiations. Advantages to an agreement The marital settlement agreement (MSA) is your key to avoiding lawyers and the legal system, but that's not all--it has many other important advantages. Your MSA actually becomes your Judgment. It is either attached to and incorporated in the Judgment or the Judgment will be written to include all the terms of your agreement. With a good MSA you get total control over your Judgment because you decide all the terms ahead of time. Without an agreement, you can't be sure exactly what some judge might do. The MSA has far more depth, detail, flexibility and protection than a plain Judgment. Almost anything that's on your mind or in your lives can be included and resolved any way you like. Some states, like California, have simplified procedures that allow you to get your divorce without going to court--if you have an agreement. Without an agreement, you almost certainly will have to go to a hearing to get your Judgment. What's most important is that you get a better divorce outcome when you work out an agreement. And with an agreement, people tend to heal faster and it just plain feels better. The agreement you are about to negotiate is very valuable and worth working very hard to get. If you work it out with your spouse outside the system, you beat the system! The Main Message: To beat the legal system, you don't go through it, you go around it. These are your keys to the high road:
- you and your spouse work out an agreement
- outside the legal system
- without either spouse retaining an attorney.
You can get advice from attorneys, you can get an attorney/mediator to help you work out your agreement, but you do not retain an attorney to handle your divorce unless the attorneys on both sides are committed to a collaborative process.Once you have an agreement, you have an uncontested case and there's nothing left to do but red tape and paperwork. If you don't need an agreement, so much the better; just do the paperwork and you're done. If you're having trouble reaching agreement, read my articles on this topic starting with The Five Obstacles to Agreement.
Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books from http://www.nolodivorce.com or by calling (800) 464-5502.
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Using a lawyer efficiently. The most important thing is to be very well prepared whenever you contact a lawyer. Know your facts, know what you want to ask about, and know exactly what you want the lawyer to explain or do for you. Plan each conversation; make an agenda; write down the things you want to talk about; take notes on the content of the conversation; keep track of time spent on all phone calls and meetings. Keep a file for all your notes and all letters and documents. Do as much as possible on the phone and by mail to keep the office time at a minimum.
Regard your attorney as a resource, not someone you cling to or depend on for emotional support and stability. A lawyer is not the right person to make your decisions or lead your life--you are. Lawyers cost too much for you to use them for sympathy and consolation--that's what family, friends and counselors are for.
When you talk to a lawyer, stick to the facts and don't just chat, ramble, or complain about things your spouse did unless you actually want your lawyer to do something about it. Don't take your anger to an attorney; you want your best interests represented, not your emotions.
Taking control of your own case. Being in control of your own case and your own life is the single best thing you can do in any divorce, so it is essential that you have a lawyer who can work cheerfully on that basis. If you are well prepared and business like, that will help the lawyer see that you are in charge of things, but you should actually say that's how you want it to be. Tell the lawyer that you want good advice and will rely on the lawyer's experience, but that you expect to make decisions that concern the tone and strategy of the case. Ask that you be sent copies of all documents and letters. Let the attorney know that you expect phone calls to be answered by the next working day. These little things let the lawyer know you are the boss. After all, you pay the bills.
Using a lawyer for specific tasks. Instead of hiring a lawyer to get you a divorce, it may be far more cost-effective to use the lawyer just for information or advice on specific subjects. That may be all the legal help you will need. If not, you can always go back for more help later. After you have organized all your facts and read about how the law works in your case, if you still have questions about the law or what the likely outcome will be in your county, write all your questions down and ask a lawyer.
You may decide to have a lawyer help with your marital settlement agreement, either to draft one or just to check over one you have made yourself. If you get stuck or confused at any point in your divorce, that's a good time to go for help. The more specific and prepared you can be, the more you will get for your money.
My book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better explains the process of divorce so you can become well-informed, and is full of information to help you get organized and prepared before you see a lawyer. It even includes worksheets to help gather all your information together. You will also find lots of practical advice on how to deal with your emotions during divorce, and an example of a marital settlement agreement that will help you create your own. For more information, go to www.nolodivorce.com.
Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman
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