How Thinking About An Uncontested Divorce Figures Into Your Decision About Divorce
An uncontested divorce is the most common type of divorce. An uncontested divorce is a divorce that occurs when there are no disagreements between spouses over divorce related issues like custody, finances, living arrangements, spousal support, child support, etc. An uncontested divorce can be an easy way for people to get divorced without the hassles of a legal struggle and undue wear and tear on emotions. But, you may not be ready to seriously consider uncontested divorce if you're just thinking about it. Thinking about an uncontested divorce can mean a variety of things from a psychological perspective...it could mean that you are really on the brink of divorce. It could also mean that you're feeling frustrated and just want to end things as fast and quietly as possible. If this is the case, you may want to make sure that you aren't just being lazy and you should examine your reasons for divorce first before you go any further. "Does it mean I am really ready for divorce just because I am starting to think about an uncontested divorce?" Maybe, maybe not. Here's a few things you might want to think about before going onto next steps with regards to an uncontested divorce, just to make sure that you're really ready to go through with it. Uncontested divorce situation 1:
You're thinking about an uncontested divorce because you want out but you aren't sure if your spouse is ready to call it quits. This can be tough if you aren't careful. The main point of an uncontested divorce is to have both parties agree on things. If your spouse doesn't even know that you're thinking about getting a divorce, mentioning an uncontested divorce may result in an explosive discussion. Uncontested divorce situation 2:
You've both agreed that you'd like a divorce, but haven't really clearly defined why, you just know you both feel ending the marriage is best. Maybe there's a chance to make your marriage work! Don't be too hasty. If you can't clearly define why you and your spouse want to end your marriage, you're acting on emotion rather than a healthy combination of emotion and logic. Sit down, think it through and have a detailed discussion around all of the details. But, be careful...this can be a volatile situation if you haven't talked everything through and mutually agreed on how you'll actually implement your divorce decision to have an uncontested divorce. If one of you is more demonstrative than the other or is usually the person who drives the decisions, that sense of control may carry over into the discussion of the terms of the uncontested divorce. Uncontested divorce situation 3:
You both agreed that you'd like a divorce (and you both know why), and you've successfully talked about and agreed on all of the details regarding the uncontested divorce. Although it can be a sad situation most of the time, sometimes a divorce is actually a good thing unfortunately. If you and your spouse have amicably decided to part ways and can continue on as responsible happy adults, then an uncontested divorce can be an easy way to sever the relationship and all legal obligations. This is the best situation to be in if you're looking for an uncontested divorce...it should be simple to finish from this point. Lots of people think about uncontested divorces and never go through with getting one because they actually work things out...and that's a great thing! And, some people think they want an uncontested divorce but haven't agreed on the details and terms, they're just looking for the fastest way to end the marriage. If this is the case, the relationship can turn from being amicable (and each party thinking they want a divorce) to being nasty and a resulting tug of war ensues with each person striving to get what they feel they deserve out of the divorce...and this can lead to a drawn out negotiation which certainly is not an uncontested divorce. Be smart when you're considering an uncontested divorce...make sure that you're really ready to go through with it. Don't let the term 'uncontested' fool you, an attorney can ethically and legally on represent one of the married parties. But, if you and your spouse can truly be amicable and truthful, an uncontested divorce can be easy. Karl Augustine
"A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce"
An eBook recommended by marriage counselors and relationship coaches to their clients.
Deciding on Divorce
Uncontested Divorce
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How Thinking About An Uncontested Divorce Figures Into Your Decision About Divorce
An uncontested divorce is the most common type of divorce. An uncontested divorce is a divorce that occurs when there are no disagreements between spouses over divorce related issues like custody, finances, living arrangements, spousal support, child support, etc. An uncontested divorce can be an easy way for people to get divorced without the hassles of a legal struggle and undue wear and tear on emotions.
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When a couple decides their marriage is over, a tremendous sense of grief and relief are felt. A recently divorced person will feel grief over the loss of their marriage and the loss of their partner in life. But there is also a sense of relief that the pain and anguish is now over and their healing can begin. For couples without children divorce is a far simpler process. They are not continually seeing each other to bring up all those bad feelings over and over again. When children are involved parents must learn their new roles and coexist quickly to minimize the negative effects of divorce on children.
The effects of divorce on children can be very traumatic.
Some children blame themselves for the divorce, believing that they caused their parent's divorce due to their bad behavior or not listening. Some children just shut down after the divorce and find it very difficult to express their feelings. Often they look as sad as they feel, withdrawing from friends and activities they once enjoyed.
The effects of divorce on children can harm their future.
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The legal divorce vs. your real divorce
The legal divorce has very limited concerns: to get a judgment of divorce, you have to make arrangements for your property, your children, and support (if any). If you have a high degree of conflict, it is also about keeping the peace and protecting you, your children and your property. That's it; that's all the legal divorce is about.
The law is used to impose a decision in your case only when there is a disagreement that has been brought into court. If you can reach a fair written agreement with your spouse, you can get almost any terms you like without much reference to laws. But, where children are concerned, a judge might take a look at your terms to make sure they are reasonably well supported and protected.
All you get from your legal divorce is a piece of paper--a Judgment--with findings of fact and court orders on the above subjects. That's all. This is what all the fuss is about; this is what people go to attorneys for and spend tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars to get--a piece of paper with orders about peace, property, custody, and support.
You might think that a legal divorce will solve your problems, but it probably won't and it is critically important that you understand this so you don't expect too much from the legal divorce--or some lawyer--and set yourself up for frustration and disappointment.
Your real divorce is about ending one life and beginning another, then making it work--spiritually, emotionally and practically. The real divorce is about breaking old patterns, making a new life and seeking a new center of balance. It's about doing your best with the hand you've been dealt.
Understanding some basic things about how the real divorce works will help you enormously in dealing with yourself, your spouse and your list of practical problems.
How you feel is probably the most real thing in your life right now. Nothing else in your life is as real as your pain, your fear, your anger, hurt, guilt, tension, nervousness, illness, depression--whatever it is you are feeling.
The practical tasks you face are also very real: how to get by financially, how to rearrange the parenting of your children, what to say to family and friends, what to do next, and so on.
In your real divorce, then, you face these challenges:
Emotional: This is about breaking (or failing to break) the bonds, patterns, dependencies, and habits that attach you to your ex-spouse. It's about learning to let go of anger, fear, hurt, guilt, blame, and resentment. You learn about past mistakes so you don't have to repeat them. You develop a balanced view of yourself, your ex-spouse, and your marriage. You create self-confidence and an openness to new intimate relationships.
Physical: Our minds and bodies are not separate and life does not come in these neat boxes. Emotions--especially strong ones that are ignored, denied or repressed--are frequently expressed physically. During divorce, people tend to experience a lot of tension and nervousness. They get ill frequently and have accidents. This is a time when you must take extra good care of your health, pay close attention to your body, and be extra careful when driving.
Practical: This is about taking care of business on the physical plane--including the legal divorce. It's the nuts and bolts of what to do, where to go, and how to get there as you begin to build a new life for yourself. You need to create safety and security for yourself and your children; to make ends meet in a new life-style that produces what you need and needs no more than you can produce.
Going through major life changes--in other words, re-creating your life--is demanding, hard work, but it may be the most important thing you ever do. And, unless you decide to get counseling or go into therapy, the real divorce won't cost a dime!
This article was taken from the book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Better, which is full of practical advice on how to handle the issues described above. Learn more by going to Divorce Solutions.
Copyright 2005 Ed Sherman
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